me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
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Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*