Saturday
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I have never related to anyone more.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Customer is always right
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No