Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*