*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Holy moly
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.