I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Love it! 👍😂
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.