funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Friday
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Wait a second…
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.