If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”