You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
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What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
*pronounces patio like ratio
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
they finally got him. they got macavity