[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow