If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy