Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
fair
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
HOW DARE YOU
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.