Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.