Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
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BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Dear Lord..
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
SPLOOT
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”