I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.