gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer