me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*looks at you in batman voice*
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!