I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
#Caturday
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN