The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
me and who
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit