I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
girls literally only want one thing..
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.