I created you as mosquito food.
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one