RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Well, that didn’t work.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]