Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party