Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
You Might Also Like
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.