When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
bought wrong eggs
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”