Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
having children is a pyramid scheme.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
hey, alexa
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill