If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Never let them know your next move 😂
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.