I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
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I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Extremely relatable.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.