My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
You Might Also Like
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Tough love is true love
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.