Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Love it! 👍😂
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Ok, but like, how married are you?