*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
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Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
A family that plays together cheats.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
😏😏😏
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Nose
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
LMAO
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08