You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?