Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
You Might Also Like
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Got ya covered
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.