Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
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Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My wedding will be open casket.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream