I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?