10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
She: I like Cats
He:
mood
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.