COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Hard not to take this personally
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy