Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
“Boo!” — cow with a cold