The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.