Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow