Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
The happy life.. 😊
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear