I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂