What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
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*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks