It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My flabber has been gasted.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?