professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
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Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Just had my nails done!
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres