Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early