but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again