accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on