“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.