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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast