running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
The biggest mystery of our time
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Okay, I’m still confused…
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not